I was demoted at work. Boo. My attitude, performance and some drama that happened last week got me in this position. It really sucks and I am uber disappointed in myself. But at least I have a job.
I hate that I let this happen to myself, I hate that I am having a quarter life crisis and it is causing a lot issues for me. I hate that I am unable to pull myself out of this quickly. I hate that I feel lost. Wow, I didn't realize all of the hate. Let me explain some of the thoughts bouncing around my head right now...
Why I am I going to school? To learn? To make more money? Why did I chose a pink xmas tree? How I am going to pay rent with my demotion? What makes me happy? What is my fave color? Do I want to stay in my current job or find another one? Do I want to aspire to what I was in this same environment? Do I want to keep living by myself? Am I possibly an alcoholic? Why do I date drug addicts? Am I single because I am really happy or afraid to get hurt? Do I want to keep majoring in Communications? Why do I keep losing weight? Do I watch too much tv? Where do I want to go in life? What is my purpose? What do I want to be when I grow up? Who I am? Which way is up and which way is down? Am I a failure? Do I expect too much of myself? Am I crazy? Do I want to be married one day? Kids? Will I be able to go to school next semester? How will I afford it? Can I appeal my suspension? If I don't go to school will I feel stupid? Why do I spend SO much money on random things? How can I make pretty decent money and still come up short? Why I am so stubborn? Can I change? Do I want to change? Is life always going to be this hard? How did I end up here? How did I allow myself to get this deep in a dark, gloomy, depressed hole? How long before I am myself again? Once I am myself will I get my promo back? Will I be successful? WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT TO DO, WHERE TO GO, END UP, OR BE??
See? Crazy. I did them in a paragraph because they come one right after another. It is annoying and I have never felt this way before. I have always been able to analyze myself and fix it. I am very self aware and I know what I want do when I feel like this. However, this time is WAY worse and I need some serious help. Eek. I don't like shrinks, especially the ones here. They tend to be very judgy and being a possible alcoholic and sexual tendencies doesn't help.
Boo. This is a serious issue and it seriously sucks. I just turned 22 and here I am on the verge of a mental break down. Ugh. I don't know how many of you have experience this or something similar but I hope not. Or that you got through it. Otherwise I am screwed. LOL.
So my current plan of action. I will be drinking an insane amount of energy drinks to stay positive and happy at my job. I am purchasing a few books on quarter life crisises, (I like to research things, I know my inner self is geeky.)(Maybe I need to get in touch with that part a little more). I am purchasing a book on money and balancing it. Also, I am going to speak with a financial aid advisor tomorrow to see my options.
Wow. Blogging is therapeutic...again. It has helped me form a plan of action. I just typed that and then realized, WOW, look what I did. (I got to call my mom, she'll be proud) Updates will be posted.
I feel like using one of my wishes. Remember I only have three. I will think about it thoroughly before I decide to use a wish.
Ta Ta
Ms. Pink Zebra
You're going to be alright, love. Just breathe, relax, and take it one step at a time. You don't have to force yourself to figure everything out right away. Everything will work itself out. It will all be okay.
ReplyDeleteThanks hun. I am starting to realize that. I think I finally hit myself in the head with a hammer enough times.
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