Unbeautiful

Driving to work today I hear this song by Lesley Roy and it made me think about The Ex and that fact that I am still single after almost 6 months. (Which is weird for me).

I couldn't find a video but here is the song and lyrics.


Wow. Ama.zing. It's a good song and it totally fits how I feel. "When did we fall apart or did you lie from the start?" Let me give you the quick story of me and The Ex.

We met at a bar in August/September 07 and it was cocaine at first sight. The first thing he ever bought me was drugs. Should have known then. So we starting dating and it was great, fun and low maintenance. First red flag, he was just in a motorcycle accident and had a broken leg and was living on his best friends couch. Where they would smoke crack daily. (I never smoked it.) And was not working. He was selling drugs to get money. What a winner.

December 07 (my 21st bday) we went with Mr. J and Mandy to our gambling town. The Ex said "It's your bday lets do whateva you want babe, you tell us what you want to do." About 30 mins later I couldn't get him to leave the poker table. Another red flag.

New Years 07/08 I went to a party with HIS friends around 10pm, we were planning on meeting there after he got off work. (At this point he had a job.) 12pm and he still wasn't there. What was he doing, buying and smoking some crack with his buddy. He finally shows up around 12:30pm and I am pissed so I say peace out bitch we are dunzo. And leave to Mr. J where I know I will have fun.

Jan 08 after being apart for 3 weeks he calls and wants to talk. He says he wants to stop doing drugs and wants my support. He didn't want to lose me and he was very sad/disappointed at what he was becoming. So I gave him another chance.

He was clean for ALL of Feb, was working at a restaurant (what he used to do before the accident), he got an apartment and asked me to move in with him. He also received about $90,000 for his settlement from his accident. So things were great. I was in love and we were very happy. I have never felt that before. (I have lived with 2 other boys). It was great.

March 08 he relapses and spends almost $10,000 on drugs. I call his parents and we ship him off to rehab for 60 days. This was hard for me and we moved into a bigger apartment while he was gone. I was all consumed with being the perfect "housewife". I decorated our place, got him gifts and bought numerous books on how to deal with addicts and being supportive.

June 08 he comes home and things are different. He met someone in rehab and had an emotional affair. (I later found out more happened. I snooped his email and myspace.) I didn't want to stop drinking, I did stop the cocaine. Seeing him go through withdrawals and how he was a loser really opened my eyes. July 08 we break up.

Ok that's wasn't very quick. Sorry but it's hard to really sum it up. Back to how the song relates to me. It wasn't my idea to break up, I wanted to work on things together and figure it out. We had talked about marriage, kids and a future with each other. It was us against the world.

I have NEVER given myself so fully before in a relationship. I don't let myself fall hard for guys as quickly as I did with him. I wanted to be domestic and all 50s for him. Never had that thought before. I was truly in love. Red flag 3, I was in love with his potential and what I wished/hoped he would be. He has told 6-7 other girls he loved them and proposed to his last girlfriend. #4. But he told me I was different and we were 'real'. Ha.

Needless to say our break up crushed me. He broke me deeper than I have ever broke before. I usually get over boys fast and starting dating with 2-3 months. I just barley started flirting again at the bar and I have met a few boys but I keep flaking on plans. I am SO afraid of being hurt again. I feel unbeautiful. I feel like my awkward 15yrs old self again. It's horrible.

I have met and played with ONE new boy, Nigel. And that doesn't happen very often and is just sex. I can't bring myself to go further. I am scared and I hate it. I am never scared. The Valet guy I met on my bday has been txting me every day and I am afraid to get close or be just sex.

Since The Ex, I have realized what a "real" relationship is and not the just sex kind I am used too. I want that feeling again, but I don't want this feeling again. Ugh. It's a catch 22. WTF. I usually love dating, the excitement, the new experiences, the people and the shopping for hot date clothes. I am just afraid to get hurt. I am jaded at 22. Wow.

Wow. I am really chaty/typy tonight. Again with the therapeutic blogging. Anyway this song really fits how I feel.

On a side note...I will be making more of an effort to start dating and getting my feet wet. It is a NYR. To date more. :)

Ok ok ok...I am done.

Ta ta
Ms. Pink Zebra