Seriously. I am stubborn.

I learn by making mistakes MYSELF not by watching others.

Case and point: My dad was a meth addict, my other dad was an alcoholic, and my grandpa is a smoker. Needless to say that addiction runs in my family. I knew this all along.

I knew this when I tried cocaine for the first time at 18. I was with Genital Warts, (I spread a rumor he had them after he burned me), and he asked me to come up stairs with him and his friend. I figured we were going to get high, boy was I right but oh SO wrong. I did my first line that night.

About 4 years later and a dozen and half cokehead boyfriends later I stopped after me and The Ex broke up. So it has been about 7-8ish months since I last did cocaine.

For me cocaine and stress went hand and hand, every time I broke up with someone I would run to coke, everytime I did poorly on a test I would do coke. Stress would happen and coke would fix it.

Granted, I did do it for fun. I enjoyed doing it while out with a boyfriend or in a club bathroom stall and nobody knowing. It was exciting and dangerous and I loved every mintue of it.

Now, I am stressed too the ends with my DUI, finding a roommate, working two jobs, and school just started. I am craving cocaine like crazy. It has been SO bad, I can't watch anything which has coke in it. (Robocop had a 10 minute scene and I had a mini panic attack at Mr. J's 2 weeks ago.) Just now on Gossip Girl Chuck was doing some and I flinched.

I won't do any because I know it's not smart but man could I really use a line right now.

I don't know why I am sharing this really, maybe because I thought it would help the craving. I don't know. I just needed to "say" it outloud.

I am going to have a glass of wine and cigarette to help my nerves. (No, I am not using them as a crutch. It is my bed time routine, strange I know.)

*Side Note
Tomorrow's post will be a bit more uplifting.

Ta ta
Ms. Pink Zebra